Churches Slam Shut the Closet Door

By Sam Barry

reprinted by permission from the
San Francisco Examiner, March 1, 1999

Examiner contributor Sam Barry, a writer and musician, lives with his wife and two children in Berkeley. He spent four years as pastor of a small Presbyterian church.

BERKELEY — Homosexuals in the church? Might as well cry "fire!" in a crowded theater. The reaction will be equally panicked.

During the past four years, I was pastor of a small Presbyterian church in Omaha, Nebraska. I watched from the front lines as misunderstanding and hatred grew.

While I was in Omaha, Methodist minister Jimmy Creech was tried for performing a holy union ceremony for a same-sex couple. I listened as otherwise reasonable people lost their heads and condemned a whole group of human beings for simply living their lives. Issues such as these keep Christians arguing among ourselves rather than doing the real work of the church. All over America, Christians are being confronted with gays — in the clergy, in the congregation, in ceremonies for committed unions.

Methodists are currently squaring off in Sacramento over the blessing by the Rev. Don Fado of the relationship of two churchwomen, Ellie Charlton and Jeanne Barnett. Some Catholics in the East Bay want their gay-friendly priest Dan Danielson defrocked for simply authorizing such blessings. The churches of America are collectively in the closet about sexuality, so when forced to acknowledge the existence of gay Christians (right next to us!), the reaction is panic, fear, anger and denial.

The more obvious expressions of fear can be seen in self-righteous sermons and church laws that proclaim the evil of any sexual behavior that deviates from sanctioned sex between one man and one woman in marriage. Several denominations have passed laws expressly forbidding the ordination or marriage of "practicing" gays and lesbians. At a more extreme level, this fear is expressed in the insane hatred of picketers like Fred Phelps, the minister from Kansas who cheerfully insists that "God hates fags." But Phelps is not representative of the majority of clergy, nor are his followers representative of the majority of Christians.

My experience is that most people sitting in the pews and the clergy who serve them are praying for this issue to evaporate. This is not because there is widespread agreement about the status of homosexuals in the church, but just the opposite. Church leaders and members know that they are not in agreement. In fact, some people harbor a private view on the subject and maintain another in public. They don't agree with themselves.

While the controversy among Methodists has focused on the blessing of gay unions by clergy, the battle among Presbyterians has been over the ordination of gays to church office. After much debate, the Presbyterian church voted to amend its definition of ordination to exclude from service anyone who is having or has had sexual relations outside the traditional arrangement of one man and one woman in marriage. (Presbyterians also ordain "elders," lay members who govern the church alongside the clergy, and deacons, who are specifically charged with tending to the sick and poor.)

This new church law, taken literally, would mean that uncounted numbers of Presbyterian pastors, elders and deacons would be in danger of losing their ordination. I certainly no longer felt qualified. Nor did my wife. I could think of many fine people who would no longer qualify for ordination in the Presbyterian church. But in reality, Presbyterians understand that the primary purpose of the new rule is to exclude people who lead openly gay lifestyles from becoming ordained. The change in ecclesiastical law also establishes by implication that the Presbyterian church is opposed to its clergy blessing same-sex committed unions.

Members of the church I served in Nebraska were hard-working people who were not interested in what they saw as largely irrelevant troublemaking among leaders of the church. Their concern was the survival of their church: Would there be enough money to pay the bills this year? Would young people come back to the church? What color carpet should we have in the Fellowship Hall, and who is going to pay for it?

When we had an open forum to discuss the issue of gay ordination, few came. There were people in the larger church and within my congregation whom I knew to be gay. I do not claim to be particularly perceptive in this regard. Others knew too — parents, friends, Sunday school teachers and ministers.

But at my church, as in so many communities in America, it was considered bad form to talk about these things. One woman would not talk about the fact that her mother had divorced her father years before and had been living with another woman ever since.

As long as gays and lesbians remain reasonably quiet about their sexual orientation, they are accepted as "our own." Only when they cross the line and proclaim themselves openly by asking to become ordained, or to have a relationship blessed and sanctified in the church, does the subject of sexual orientation become a crisis for the majority.

Within my former church most members would be happy to agree to disagree, to leave this issue alone, and let change come slowly. I believe that many of the most traditional members of my church are convinced that ultimately the old ways will pass, and that gays and lesbians will someday be fully accepted in the life of the church.

The traditionalists just don't want this to happen while they are still around to experience it. They want to pray and worship and be buried in whatever is left of the old church, before it has changed so much that they cannot recognize it. Tempting as this may be, to take the path of denial is to fail to live up to the true calling of a spiritual community that is dedicated to love and justice.

The fact that other people might make us uncomfortable does not justify their exclusion and condemnation. In fact, the church at its best is meant to be a sanctuary for people who are misunderstood and unfairly reviled.

I believe that everyone in the Presbyterian church lost when we voted not to welcome gays into our church as full members. The new law does nothing to lessen the divisions in the church or in the world, and in fact makes them worse. It excludes good people from leadership positions in a church that desperately needs them. It discourages honest dialogue about the difficult and complex topic of human sexuality. And in the end I believe that it will fail, because people like Ellie Charlton and Jeanne Barnett and the Rev. Don Fado will keep doing the right thing, pushing for open acceptance of gays and lesbians in the church.

I only wish that America's churches, rather than being reactionary, were instead leading the way in the for full equality for all people. +

Sam Barry served as a ministerial intern at Old South Church from 1991-2 where he made many contributions to our church life — including the formation of the OSC Gospel Ensemble. Many Old Southers remember well the whole family, Sam, Pat, Daniel and Laura. Sam is now busy being a freelance artist in the Bay Area. He is involved with 3 musical venues, The Michelle Abby Quartet (a very idiosyncratic group of musicians that includes, in addition to Sam and Michelle, a female drummer and a standup bass player named Mike), The Works (a rock and roll band), and last but certainly not least, The Sam Barry Gospel Group. He preaches occasionally. Most of the rest of his time is spent writing. He writes for the newspaper and is hard at work on his second novel. Making the transition from full-time traditional pastor to artist in Berkeley, California has been a remarkable experience on his faith journey.

Pat is still a freelance artist and illustrator, teacher and arts administrator. She is volunteering for the AIGA San Francisco's Studio 5 Program, an 8 week residency for 5th grade students at Edison Elementary School in San Francisco; illustrating educational materials for Broderbund Software, making fine art and spending a couple of days a week at the ACCI Gallery in Berkeley (which is 40 years old this year!). She loved returning to the Bay Area after her 4 years of invaluable training in the culture of "The Heartland".

Daniel is in 4th grade. He's really smart and funny. He loves reading and science. The other day he was told that he had to have his socks and shoes on before he could finish reading The New Yorker. Both he and his sister play the piano, make their own lunches at night, make their own breakfast in the morning, collect 10% interest on their allowance if they save it, and have rewards and serious consequences for behavior. Daniel writes wonderful stories with dramatic and deliberate illustrations.

Laura is a wonderful person. She's in kindergarten. She's been reading since she was four. Our last Christmas in Omaha, she read her part for the lighting of the Christ candle on Christmas Eve. A woman who never came to church except on Christmas- came to me after the service and said, "Your daughter is so cute and she reads so well! How old is she?" "Four", I said with a proud smile. (Her birthday is January 26, making her essentially five, but technically four. Ha!) She loves clothes and art supplies. She has a great sense of humor and one of her front teeth is chipped.

Our family went to the Chinese New Year Parade in San Francisco last Saturday night. We try to have one-on-one time, gender bonding, and family outings regularly. We also watch 3rd Rock from the Sun every Tuesday night together on the couch with a bowl of ice cream. +